So I've been neglecting my blog as of late, but I do have an excuse, I mean an explanation for it. I am someone who suffers from Anxiety, it can be pretty intense and once I came home, back to my home town of Weymouth. The pressure was on, literally I had a lot I wanted to accomplish and in my mind it had to be done by Yesterday.
I'm not even joking in my mind everything I wanted to do - Pass my driving test, get a car, get my studio space set up, publish my Children's book, get a job to support myself while I pursue this career in Illustration and Children's books - this had to be done in the first few months of me being back home.
Eventually I realised I could only get one thing done at a time - no easy task the pressure was on and it never let up - but I managed I passed my Driving test in October last year. I am still struggling to find work but I am back at my local British Red Cross Shop Volunteering - which keeps me sane for a few hours, 2 days a week - but that is only a very recent change to my situation.
I went through Months of stress, jumping between Anxiety and Depression to the point that I didn't know the difference anymore. It was a struggle, I was fighting with myself everyday. I signed up with my local job centre to get money while I look for work - that has been keeping the pressure on, trying to get up to 35 hours job searching (which luckily have been reduced to 27 thanks to my volunteer work) - the struggle is convincing employers that I want the job and to hire me, I am not ver good at it.
So as I said I'm back Volunteering that marked the beginning of change for me, because not only did that happen but the follow week I got my first Freelance Illustrator job (thanks to an email from one of my uni lecturers) which could spell big things for the future if I am successful with it. I might actually get a car of my own sorted soon as I recently looked at 3 I really liked.
I'm not saying I am all better now, in fact most mornings begin with some form of a panic attack, which makes getting out of bed a struggle. Anxiety is a big burden for me now, more than it ever was at university. I hope eventually I learn a way to cope with it all. But when good things happen I try to stay in them as long as possible which I am still learning to do. I can't seem to enjoy anything for very long once Anxiety rears its ugly head.
But if I had to say anything to young and upcoming Illustration Graduates who are scared for the future, it would to 'hang in there' and 'don't give up', something will come along which will make it all worth it. I believe it is beginning to happen for me and it can happen for you too.
Which for those of us who suffer from Anxiety it can be difficult to believe but when it happens you'll know it was worth it....it will, I genuinely believe it...right now in this moment anyway.